Another Chance

As you all know I'm pregnant! I am 18 weeks and 4 days. Exactly 1 week from today we will be going in for the "BIG" ultrasound where we (hopefully) see that this sweet baby has all it's fingers and toes and and everything is functioning  and healthy as it should be at this point, and we will get to find out the gender! Which is the most exciting part for most people.  But I have to say that I am the most anxious about the healthy part.  I know it sounds cliche, but I am truly just hoping for a healthy baby, I do not care about boy or girl, just healthy.

I finally feel like I can share this with all of you. See, today April 30th is my due date.  Well it was anyway, with a sweet little baby that we conceived last summer.  We were surprised and a little bit anxious.  We had 2 previous very early losses since Ezra had been born, and so for the first little bit we were nervous, but as the days passed we got more and more comfortable and used to the idea, so at about 8 weeks, just a couple of days before our first ultrasound, we told our parents and our kids, and everyone was so thrilled and excited to be adding to our sweet family!  Annalee and Jude especially could barely be contained.  My heart was so full!

Then came time for the appt.  We were waiting for this appt to share the news with the rest of our family and friends.  My doctor likes to do the 1st ultrasound herself, so it was just Jay and I and Dr. Keith in there, she turned the lights off, and the screen came up, and you could immediately make out this little bitty bean with teeny tiny little arm and leg buds!  But it was also immediately evident that something was missing.  Dr. Keith said "Amy I'm not seeing a heartbeat".  and she scrolled the picture in really close and we all watched with held breath, willing that little flicker to appear.  But it didn't. As Jay stood there holding my hand, I couldn't stop the tears, they just came and came. I asked if there was anyway it could be a mistake, she said no, the baby measured perfectly at 8 weeks and 2 days, and there should definitely be a heartbeat at that point, which of course I knew. But still I couldn't give up, I asked her if I could take a couple of days and come back for a follow up "just in case".  I was hoping for a miracle.  But it didn't come. I went back 2 days later and there was no change.  After an extremely painful and heart wrenching week I had to go in for a D&C.

As I woke up in the recovery room, a nurse had already gone to get Jay, apparently I was crying before I was even fully awake. I can barely describe how difficult all of this was for me. I struggled with so much guilt and just pure sadness for the loss of a baby that I had already bonded with and loved. It seemed like everywhere around me someone was either announcing a pregnancy or giving birth. I mourned over ultrasound pictures I had but would never share. 

But as they say it got easier with time, and we had our wonderful friends and family who rallied around us and offered us so much comfort and support, and as the months went by I knew I wanted to actually "try" for a baby.  Something we had never done before.  We decided when the doc gave us the ok, we would give it 3 months, if we got pregnant great, if not, then it was just time to move on to the next phase of our life.  Well turns out we only needed one month, and here we are. Even though I still feel a little melancholy today, remembering that time and the pain that came with it, I am  now even more thankful for another chance to carry and mother another sweet child.

So yeah I'm nervous. I am anxiously waiting to hear the "everything looks great" way more than the "it's a boy! or it's a girl!" part.

I wanted to share this because it seems like no one talks about pregnancy loss, for some reason its still taboo, yes it is extremely painful, but it can also be very isolating.  If no one knows then you have to just move through life like everything is fine when it very much is not.  I hope that my experience has made me a better person and friend, and that it can help someone else somewhere along the way.

So if you think about it in the next week just say a prayer for us and this sweet babe, for a good report and a healthy pregnancy.